Rabbi's Weekly Teaching
Parashat Eikev
Friday, August 19th, 2011
I had the joy of teaching at a recent gathering of the UJA-Federation of Westchester Women's Philanthropy Leadership group, the theme of which was "Family Values." Throughout the past decade, the notion of family values has shaped our national conversation about politics, education, and the system of ethical and moral behaviors that we hope, as parents, to transmit to our children. We readily accept the idea that morally grounded children, who understand the difference between right and wrong, and who fully comprehend the expectations of the society in which they live, are happy children. And thus, I made the point that in secular society if you ask a parent what they most want for their children, the most common answer received is that they would like their children to be happy. But if you ask a Jewish parent what they want most for their child, the answer is somewhat different. It is not that Jewish parents don't want happiness for their children, but what they do want most is for their child to become a mensch -- a Jewish individual who, with every act, value, and ethical behavior, embraces and embodies our full humanity. We believe that with menschlikeit comes happiness, but it begs the question: can one be happy even without being a mensch?
Parents who proudly display the school bumper sticker that "My child is an Honor Student at [name of school]" should undoubtedly be proud of their child's academic achievement. But when we consider success in Jewish terms, when a person succeeds, but does so without a solid grounding in ethics or morals, any and all success -- whether academic, economic, or measured in any other terms that we would label as "fame and fortune" -- is meaningless. Of course, like every group, and every individual, Jews hope to succeed within the material world so as to enable us to take care of ourselves, our loved ones, our Jewish family, and our human family. We also understand that taking care of others is not defined just in economic terms, but framed by our attitudes of love and kindness as pervasive in everything we are, and everything we do. What we think, and how we live, can be defined in terms as essential as our body posture, language, and actions. These make it easy to see how certain people can move through the world, blind to the needs of others, involved only satisfying their own desires and drives. In other words: selfishness shows.
The core value of how we live a life of menschlikeit is by cultivated the practice of Derech Eretz. This term literally means "the way of the land," but we understand this way as how we define our respectful, thoughtful, and loving behavior to all with whom we have contact. Like God, who "created order from chaos," we are responsible for bringing ethical and loving order to any circumstance of potential disorder. The mitzvah of Derech Eretz includes, but is not limited to, our respectful treatment of the elderly, showing honor to our teachers, and being loving children to our parents. Derech Eretz is also about demonstrating kindness to all living things, seeking opportunities at all times to do good, modeling good behavior for others, and integrating charity into our daily lives. Living Derech Eretz elevates us from the mundane to the menschlik. It enables us to be better people, and do what God expects of us.
The golden rule of Judaism, like the golden rule of all the great religions of the world, is to love others as you wish to be loved. This fundamental teaching is understood as a core value of humanity, because all human beings are created equally in God's image. Children are not born with an implicit understanding of this core value, and so parents need to work on creating an environment that nurtures the need to possess constant compassion and concern for others. There are many steps we can take, but as with all demands on our time and attention, we have to schedule our opportunities for implementation. As you look to the days and weeks ahead, with all of the busy tasks that mark the beginning of the school year, consider making time for menschlikeit. Take a moment to schedule time in your calendar for acts of loving kindness: dropping the coins in our tzedakah boxes before going to sleep at night, setting aside food for the hungry and delivering it to a food pantry, visiting a home for the elderly to bring cheer to those who need it, or volunteering to serve food - and compassionate communication - at a soup kitchen. The best of intentions often fall to the wayside, simply because we don't concretize our intentions into a defined time and space.
Family values can take shape in many different ways, but one thing unites them all: parents and grandparents are the best teachers, and the most crucial transmitters of what is important to a family. As those who teach the next generation, we can be the most effective role models when we remember that our children are always watching, always looking to us to learn how to be a mensch. Children notice how we speak to others, when we smile at someone who has done something for us, how we express gratitude to others - and they also notice when we do not make these important human contacts.
If we want our children to be menschlik, we have to work as hard on this as we do to make our kids successful in school, on the athletic fields, on stage and in their daily lives. Just as importantly, we have to remember that we are their role models, and when we see our children acting in a way that we may not like, we should perhaps look to ourselves to see where they are getting their values. When push comes to shove, what do we really want for our children? If we are teaching them to aspire to greatness, then it is up to us to teach them what greatness truly is.
Shabbat shalom,
Rabbi Mitch
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