05/21/10 In praise of spiritually-guided mothers - Greenwich Citizen

In my family we joke that my mother's favorite Jewish holiday is Mother's Day. Over the years "Jewish mothers" have been the topic for many jokes and not enough expressions of appreciation. My mother was instrumental in forming the Jewish and moral foundation upon which I sought the rabbinate. Her positive Jewish dedication and commitment was omnipresent both within our family home and outside in the community.

Within my own home, my wife Roseanne occupies the center stage in helping our children feeling totally at ease with themselves and the world they interact with. When I'm too much the rabbi and not enough the parent, Roseanne helps me remember that our first role as parent is to be God's partner in raising our children with love, kindness and patience. These attributes lead to the spiritual health of our children more than anything else.

With the above said, both my mother and Roseanne embrace their Jewish motherhood consistent with our parenting tradition. There are times when you need to lovingly rebuke your child because this helps them learn to be morally upright. Love, kindness and compassion are appropriately balanced with the need to teach children self-control, responsibility, and moral character.

If you ask a lot of parents what they want most for their children, they will often respond that they hope their children will be "happy." While happiness is important, it is not the ideal desired by the traditional Jewish parent. Rather, the answer would be: "I want my child to be God-fearing."

The desire of the Jewish parent is that the core of their child's being will be centered on doing what is right, because this brings about meaningful long-term happiness for both the individual and all those they have contact with.

Desiring to raise moral children takes a lot of work. It means being hands-on and present, without hovering and interfering with the children's need to grow in their righteous autonomy. We seek partners in this effort: family, friends, school, etc. A primary reason to be actively engaged with a temple, or any other particularistic House of Worship where you belong, is to access a caring community that helps to raise all of our children in the tradition of menschlekeit -- full moral human beings.

As a child, my mother and father had me attend Hebrew School three days a week: Tuesdays, Thursdays and Shabbat. There, I was exposed to our holy language, sacred texts, awesome history, beautiful traditions and so on. Reinforced with home practice and discussion, Judaism became the foundation of my life and the anchor that holds me no matter how high the waves of challenge arise.

The most important lesson I learned in Hebrew School was poignantly taught by my fifth grade teacher. She wrote out in bold letters the three questions taught by our great sage Hillel: "If I am not for myself, who is for me?" "And when I am for myself, what am I?" "And if not now, when?" Every person needs to live a life where they appropriately find self-fulfillment and happiness. But, we can't neglect others and just focus on ourselves. We also can't put off our responsibilities for another time. They have to be acted upon immediately, never risking the consequences of a neglectful delay.

When I think of Jewish mothers, or any other religiously dedicated mothers, I perceive a parent who selflessly gives of themselves for their children. However, this maternal giving includes an ever-present ethical framework by which the child constantly is taught to live their life and interact with their world in a moral way.

In a world where we too often perceive watching out only for self, the parents who lovingly dedicate themselves to their children's ethical lives not only shapes their children's moral future, but also that of their grandchildren, great-grandchildren and so on. Love, combined with living a life by which we are guided by our awe of God's constant presence, will always change the landscape of the world for the better.

Rabbi Mitchell M. Hurvitz is senior rabbi at Temple Sholom in Greenwich and immediate past president of the Greenwich Fellowship of Clergy. E-mail: rabbimitch@templesholom.com. A collection of his columns may be found at www.templesholom.com/.